Do you want to be an irritating dog walker? The kind that others see on the street and are immediately annoyed by? If so, today is your lucky day!

For one day only, I’m offering a free primer on how to be an annoying dog walker. By employing these seven simple tips, you too can be the bane of your neighborhood! (Keep in mind, to really be the most irritating person on the block, you should use all of these tips in combination with each other. One or two just won’t be effective enough.)

Before we start, I’d like to introduce you to today’s instructor:

Now, get out your pencils and start taking notes. Or don’t. Maybe you’ll turn out to be an annoying student too.

1. First, do you have a smartphone? Any cell phone will do, but a smartphone will really help you up your game. When walking your dog, play games on your phone or check Facebook. Don’t pay attention to your dog. At all.
2. Get a retractable leash. Although leashes are for losers (see tip #3), you may occasionally need one. Use a retractable one, but don’t worry about locking it. Combined with tip #1, you’ll be well on your way to Mayor of Irritation Town as your dog sprints into the street, gets tangled around other people/dogs, and generally creates chaos wherever he goes.
3. Speaking of losers, let’s talk about leash laws. They should really call them leash suggestions, am I right? Seriously, those laws are for people who can’t control their dog – they weren’t meant to apply to you. Your dog is just fine. (Advanced students: combine with tip #1.)
4. Repeat after me: “Don’t worry, he’s friendly!” You’ll want to master this phrase, so that you can shout it at your neighbor when your off-leash dog charges towards a child or other dog (maybe even a service dog). It’s not your fault that the child is scared of dogs or that the neighbor’s yappy little pooch is dog reactive. Your dog just wants to say hi. Just remember the magic words: my dog is friendly. You are now absolved of any responsibility.
5. Don’t teach your dog a proper recall. This is especially important if you intend to let him off leash and will be playing with your phone. Safety, schmafety. Your dog will listen when you want him to, right?
6. Let your dog poop in your neighbor’s yard. If he’s a male, let him mark every single mailbox in the neighborhood. If he’s off leash (see tip #3), go the extra mile and let him pee on your neighbor’s welcome mat. People love that.
7. Speaking of poop, don’t clean it up. It’s organic matter, right? Picking it up would just be a waste of that quality manure. It’s the circle of life, and your neighbors are just being prudish. As they say, everybody poops! Some people might complain about stepping in it, but they should really just pay more attention. (Note – I’m aware that this tip might appear to be inconsistent with tip #1, but I’m confident that you can text while watching where you’re going.)

There you have it. If you follow these seven easy steps, you’ll be well on your way to losing friends and alienating people. If you’ve ever wanted to be the most annoying dog walker in the neighborhood, now is your time to shine.

Do you have any additional tips for my erstwhile students? If so, share them in the comments and then go check out the Monday Mischief Blog Hop!

~