Dear Allie,
Oh, my little one, you are getting not so little and yet I find myself being turned into a cliché parent with you. You are my baby, and I am even more desperate than I thought I could be to keep you little, to keep you cuddly, and sweet. I am resigned that because Dhyan is older, he must grow up and enter the world, and somehow with you, I just want to preserve your little 4 year oldness. It’s completely illogical of course, because I knew as was the case with your brother, every step you take, is a step further away from me, but still I feel like I want to hold on to you more. It’s almost like it’s not time’s fault, that somehow you children are growing through some divine intervention and I want to make a deal and say, “Okay you can let that one grow up” but not this one.
But of course it is all emotional nonsense. The fact is, you will grow, and I am also excited to see how you grow. You are certainly different child than your brother. You have an exuberance, a silliness, and an energy that is unlike anything I expected. There is just something special about you that makes me think you are going to surprise me in some way. I don’t know, just something I feel in my heart. Perhaps that’s just more emotional nonsense. I guess only time will tell.
Alright so let’s get down to the brass tacks. What have you been like this past year. You love to come up to me and slap my tummy. You still like to climb up me, but you are too tall stand on my shoulders so you sit on them now. It’s still 50/50 that my shoulders will give out before you are ready to stop doing this. You are loud when you are playing video games on your tablet. Quite boisterous and eager to climb on me jump on me. The danger of injuring me is ever present with you. And yet at the same time I love it. Even when I sometimes pretend that I don’t. I mean sometimes it would be nice that you would run and give me a hug instead of running and slapping my tummy, but your excitement to see me just makes me smile. You have come to specifically slap my tummy twice in the writing of this letter. (Addendum: 4 times).
The thing that bothers me the most about you right now is how long it takes to eat. You just can’t sit down and eat. Any excuse to get up. Even to give a hug, which you know always works, even though you really should be eating. Then when we can’t sit there anymore and leave you get sad that nobody is sitting at the table with you. I am very much looking forward to the day when you are a hungry growing boy and shovel in your food!
Oddly, since I wrote Dhyan’s birthday letter, life has brought some significant events to my life, one to all our lives. Your grandfather died. I am sorry you never really go to know him. Your grandfather suffered from alcoholism and our relationship was strained when he announced he didn’t want to come to our home anymore when I invited him out to meet you when you were just a baby. I was so mad that I broke contact with him. By the time he got around to apologize it was almost 5 years later. I would say that you seemed to be bonding to him quickly. He was always good with children, and I wish you had more time. He died while staying with us after catching double pneumonia. Even though you didn’t know him well, you were notably impacted by his death. For the first time in your young life you had to confront what the death of a person meant. You’ve had some difficult moments, and even now you are still worried about sickness leading to death. That’s what happened to him. It’s hard to make you understand, and I am sure this will pass, but for right now we are keeping a close eye on you and will get you help if you seem to be really struggling emotionally. I don’t think it’s impacting you too much, but it’s a still a big thing to process.
As for me, it was difficult watching him helpless and on life support in the hospital. I cried when he passed, but I think it was not only because I didn’t want him to die, but also because it was the end of a sad story. He had a difficult life that led him to addiction, and he never really escaped its grip. There are many good, even amazing things about him. And there was a lot of hurt and troubling things as well. But if you grow up to love me, then you will also love him, for he is a part of me. And I will do my best to tell you the truth of him, because there is so much to learn from someone as beautiful and flawed as he was. So even though he didn’t get to know you, you will get to know him through my eyes.
The other thing of note is that I am going to be a published author. Not in meteorology like a good professor, but in poetry. In about a week and half from this letter there will be a book out there with my name on it that will actually be in somebody’s house. It’s thrilling and also a bit strange. I never thought something like this would happen. I just enjoy writing, and think language is amazing with all the things you can do with it.
You had a wonderful year coming out of the pandemic. You got to go to London and you had a wonderful time even if you don’t have strong memories. You were a good traveler and I’m glad you have a sense of adventure.
Life is going to change for you this year. You’re so smart and I’m so proud of you. I’m excited by the personality emerging from you more and more each day. You are starting to school and thus begins a long journey of formal learning. But I think you will like school and you will excel just like your brother.
my lightning
my energy
how blaze
by me so quickly
but take not time with you
stay
my little one
stay young
I’m okay
just being a cliché
what would be the harm
if you fit
just so
nestled in my arms?
my little one
with amber hair
aswirl
your life will unfurl
but you just look
so beautiful
when you’re small
and curl
For some reason I find myself feeling differently as I write this year’s letter. I know you are only 9 and just a child, there is something more grown up about you suddenly that I feel like I am writing a letter to a young adult as opposed to a kid. You’ve grown in height and maturity so much it seems that I guess I feel like I am already started to glimpse the man you will become. Of course, it could be just because I don’t feel like I can carry you anymore. But perhaps that’s just as much a function of me getting older as you!
Maybe it shouldn’t be that surprising though. When I was 9 I went to India and I felt like that trip had a profound impact on me. I am not sure what my parents would say about how I changed, but I do feel like your trip to London this summer helped you grow up in a way that only travel can do. Of course, London isn’t some vastly different place, but nevertheless I think there is something about just seeing the different ways cultures can be, different ways cities can be built, different systems for getting around. All those things sometimes act like learning another language. They give us a different mental grammar. And you were so wonderful in London walking around and taking in the sights. Fearless on the tube, leading the way. I was so very proud of you. Traveling is something this family likes to do and I feel like you’ve gotten bitten by the travel bug a bit and will continue to enjoy traveling adventures and I find myself even more excited to take you places.
I also shouldn’t be surprised that you always impress me with your maturity. You have a cool confidence about you. And it shows that you have growing awareness of your own thoughts and feelings. You still have trouble expressing your feelings especially when you’re feeling bad about something. It almost makes me cry when I see how sensitive you are. But it is the source of your empathy and kindness, and it always makes me so proud when I see how understanding and kind you are. What I’m learning as a dad is that being vulnerable is a hard thing. I thought perhaps I could get you there faster because I am someone who is expressive and comfortable in my own skin, but I think that it’s a skill that just takes time. And in the end, you are just 9. You are already far ahead of where I was at the age. You are sensitive like me, and I know it can feel overwhelming at times. Expressing it does make a big difference, but I have every confidence that when you feel the need to take that next step really explore your feelings you will get there. Maybe I underestimate how long it takes to just observe our emotions before we really understand how to express them.
You also continue to impress me with your desire to read and learn. This, too, can really change a person. You are reading and several levels about your grade level and it also reminds me how much language transforms us. It seems your growth has really evolved as you’ve read more and more with more complex plots and vocabulary.
I’m afraid of you shutting down. Sometimes I don’t even know if you’re listening. Maybe it’s because it’s hard for you to process these things because you’re so sensitive. Maybe also you feel like we are having these talks with you because we’re accusing you of doing something wrong. I think realizing some truths about the world will be hard for you initially, but I know you’ll be able to handle it. You just have a very big heart and it can be overwhelming sometimes, but you will be stronger after you wrestle with these things internally. But I just want you to know that I’m going to keep trying. And it’s not so much that I want to tell you things, but I also really just want to hear what you have to say. What you’re thinking. How you’re feeling.
Who am I this year? Well I guess we old people don’t change as much. I still feel like I’m still waiting for some important change, some test, some awakening. I don’t know. Maybe it’s that I still feel uneasy about the future. I know myself, but I don’t know what kind of world you will face. And even though your character matters most, I guess I can’t help but wish for a world where you can flourish. Maybe I just really need to work on making sure I stay in the moment. But overall I feel good and I’m excited to take you and Allie to Europe this summer. I want you to know more of the world and enjoy travel like I do. We have so many more places to go!
I have never been more unsure about what to say in a letter to one of you than I am about this one. Right now, I’m listening to you do a silly voice. You’re playing with your brother. And all I can think is just how lively you are. Not just rambunctious, though you are (however, I’ve met super rambunctious children, which was frightening), but just always talking. Loud. Rambling. Narrating everything. You even narrated your own running “I’m running!”. You are a force. I really don’t know how to describe you.
We still play games we’ve been playing since prior to your 3rd birthday. For instance, you still want your cookie and vitamins in the morning. Before it had to be a bowl, and now you’re more open to the plate option. But I still, as I’m serving it, or when you ask for it, make a claim that it’s “actually for me”. And you respond back playfully “It’s for me!!!”. But sometimes you get worried I will take it. I have never taken the cookie or vitamin in two years, and now I find it fascinating, as a science experiment, to see when you’ll glue it together that daddy is just kidding. And one day this ritual will end, and I will be pretty sad about it.
As far as who I am right now, at this point of my life, I can only say, I think I’ve been better. Life feels a lot like stress management. What can I do to stay sane? I’ve lost some fight during the pandemic. I think part of it is a lack of togetherness. It feels more alone and that there is a tide carrying us along and we are helpless to do anything about it. It feels very uncertain that the world will be moving in a better direction when you reach adulthood. I am grateful the pandemic came when you were this age, just because I knew it wasn’t going to interrupt your development as you would just be home with mommy and daddy more and just see it as more fun. And it has been. You are fun child. And in the end, I have a lot of love in my life, and have a lot to be grateful for. I am very grateful to you. For your light brown, golden tipped curls. For your laugh. For your smile. Your innocence rejuvenates me. You are kind and thoughtful. So gentle with the cats. You could be a little less vicious with your father though. Sometimes you could just run to me and hug me excitedly. We’ll work on it. Until then I will enjoy everything you do because your ridiculously cute whatever you’re doing.
I will live
Cloak Unfurled 