By Garrison Keillor, AS, PD, GH, AK
Featuring: Garrison Keillor; chord progression: Pat Donohue
A scientific study of 247 Thanksgiving dinners has given us data
Showing that 92% included turkey,
Cranberries, gravy and mashed potata,
Except for Norwegian bachelor farmers
Who ate dinner alone by their TV screens,
Of whom 52% had tunafish and noodles,
And 48% had weiners and beans.
Scientific research at 247 Thanksgiving dinners has made it clear
That 45% of the dinners were served
Twenty minutes later than they were last year.
Due to the increased use of appetizers,
Particularly in the northeast,
55% of the men over forty
Were 80% full before the start of the feast.
Behavior studies at Thanksgiving dinners
Show that 64% of the women and men
Intended to take just one small helping
And to say, No thanks, when it came back again.
About 46% said, "Oh, just a little...."
And 21 percent said, "No...Well, all right."
Some changed their minds because it looked so delicious,
Two-thirds did just to be polite.
Psychological profiles at Thanksgiving dinners
As you can see from the bars on the graph
Show that people who ate pie made up their minds
At the very last minute what kind they would have.
Mincemeat and apple showed an 8% increase,
Pumpkin experienced 10% growth;
But in the nine out of ten homes where two kinds were offered,
Sixty-four percent had a little piece of both.
A scientific study of 247 Thanksgiving dinners show that 85%
Of the people who ate those Thanksgiving dinners
Felt somewhat, mostly, or completely content.
Men over thirty showed an average weight gain
Of 3.2 by the late afternoon.
Most sat around and talked about health clubs,
22 percent said they're joining one soon.
A study of 247 people who had eaten their dinners or were almost through
Showed that 93 percent experienced an average 21 point decline in IQ.
43 percent sat around in a stupor,
15 percent felt somewhat dull
33 percent felt a pool of butterfat
Slowly congealing inside their skull.
Autopsies done on Thanksgiving evening
Show that the arteries were clamped shut tight
Due to the effect of watermelon pickles.
Avoid those pickles and you'll be all right.
Watermelon pickles are definitely dangerous
And capers --- capers can give you the vapors
And avoid sardines and mesclun greens
And of course you should never drink sumac wine
Stay away from capers and watermelon pickles
And sardines and sumac and you'll be just fine.